My mind is in a dark place

and my faith is being tested.

Isolation-

caused by a virus that is feared by the world…

This isolation

feeds my depression and I’m scared to reach out.

I’m a Christian, I have hope in Jesus.

That’s what they will tell me.

But that doesn’t take away the bad thoughts,

the scary thoughts that I don’t want to have.

Just pray, call on Jesus’ name.

Yes, I know, but this battle wages against me every day.

I’m not scared of dying.

I’m not scared of a virus.

I’m scared of my mind and the monsters inside of me.

I’m scared of the loneness.

I’m scared of rejection.

What happens if I let you see the darkness inside of me?

Will you turn away?

Will you pray?

Will Jesus really take the depression away?

Will he take away the suicidal thoughts?

Will he take away my need for escape from myself?

And, if I let you in, I don’t want pity.

I don’t want a message of hope.

I just want to know that I will be okay, safe from myself and the feelings that I don’t want to face.

And, what happens if I put my feelings out there for people to see?

Will they relate or will they think less of me?

Because, I can’t see how I’m called to help others when I can’t even help myself.

It’s times like now when I know I should cling to God to get me through,

but I don’t want to.

I can’t see him.

How can he help me?

I want to say, “Jesus, please, set me free from this attitude.”

But, something inside me, stops me.

Is it the knowledge of what depression is?

I wish I couldn’t feel so deeply.

I wish my mind was nice to me.

I wish I could just be one person with one direction in life.

I wish I wasn’t me.

Jesus<3MGP