I can’t carry this anymore.

All this fear.

This need for control.

To make the number on the scale go down. Down.

I can’t carry this anymore.

The insecurity.

Am I not a good friend?

Will I ever be thin?

Are you going to leave me too?

Please. Don’t leave me too.

Maybe harming myself was easier. Safer than starvation.

But starvation is harm too, so tell me what’s the difference between this bondage and the last?

I can’t carry this anymore!

I wish I knew the outcome of one bad decision to the next, or my life.

I wish I knew how to rid myself of this anxiety that I’ve prayed away so many times

but yet, it always seems to come back.

The depression spirals downward out of control as it sings me a song-

One of comfort and pain.

This life is all I know so maybe that’s why Jesus hasn’t taken it away.

I can’t carry this anymore!

All you hard core believers who only made my mania and psychosis worse by telling me I was healed.

It’s clear that I’m not.

As I lay awake in the dark afraid of each noise I hear

with my heart pounding and too afraid to take the medication to take the fear away

because, “what if?”

What if the next time I’m in a car we hit a deer? What if we hit another car? What if we swerve off the road and die?

What if I get a blood clot?

What if someone breaks into my house?

What if I get evicted and live on the streets?

What if you leave?

I can’t carry this anymore!

All this pressure to be perfect and not mess up in recovery.

All the pain from those who have abandoned me.

All the heartache from not having a father.

All the flashbacks that come and go.

The memories that flood my mind around this time every year.

They left. They left me alone. They left me to deal with life on my own.

I can’t carry this anymore.

Jesus<3MGP

#M&MsPoetry